I’m not sure if you’ll read this but if you do I could use some advice.
Hi, I'm a woman, I live in Utah, I'm 20 years old and I'm NOT a Mormon. I have been in a monogamous relationship for two years. Note, my first. We don’t live together, never have, which I love. Now don’t judge me, but he’s been the only person I’ve had sex with. Not for any other reason other than, I’m picky as hell, and he’s been the only one I’ve been into. I know what your probably thinking “this girl needs to get out and experience other people." Probably, but I don’t really have the desire to, maybe one day... but not today. I’m happy, I like him. He’s been with other girls, before we became serious, and its honestly never bothered me.
I have never really been that sexual. Maybe its because I’ve been on the pill sense I was 16? I’ve been contemplating getting off it for months now, in hopes doing so will raise my libido. Maybe because Ive been diagnosed with depression & anxiety? I don’t know. But I honestly feel something is wrong with me. I’m convinced I’m broken. Because I can’t get off. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend, I mean I’m in love with the kid, yet I rarely start the fooling around. It's usually him, which most of the time I can get into. But I’ve never orgasmed with there or without him there. I also don’t masturbate. I never have the urge to. And I mean NEVER. I’ve tried, for the sake of it, yet nothing seems to work. Vibrators and old school, nothing happens. I don’t like porn, and I can’t help but only fantasize about my boyfriend because he’s all I know. Nothing works.
Now I KNOW your pro porn! And frankly everyone I have asked advice from is too. So please go easy on me. I hate porn. I think its gross, demeaning towards women, and ghetto! I don’t think its “wrong” as in people shouldn’t watch it, it just doesn’t turn me on. But I want to be able to like it, I don’t want to have such a huge problem with it. Yet, I do. I've tried watching straight porn, lesbian porn, romantic. It doesn’t work, so I’ve just given up.
So, it doesn’t work for me, but it does work for my boyfriend. Some part of me wishes it didn’t. Like duh, every guy yanks their dicks to porn. I know. I know its normal, I know I shouldn’t shame him. But I can’t help it. It makes me sad. I cry every time I think about him getting off to someone other than me. (That's a problem too, huh? Yeah, I know.) I don’t know what kind he watches, which to be honest scares me. Is he into rape porn, other stuff I definitely wouldn’t be okay with? I try to get him to show me, try to get him to open up with me, but of course he won’t. And it's my fault, because I get upset every time this topic comes up. He knows I don’t like it. So his way of fixing this is hiding that part of his sexuality from me, and ignoring it. So yeah, this has been an ongoing issue for us for about a year now.
Sex with him is good. Despite the fact I never come and he’s always coming! Too quickly, I may add. He tries to take care of me but I just get frustrated and we eventually stop. I’m left hanging and he’s feeling fulfilled. I know he’s into me, I know he cares about me. But I can’t help be self-conscious about our sex life, knowing he watches porn. In an episode of your podcast you mentioned how we can’t fulfill everything for our partner, and some part of me understands that. The other part of me gets sad and mad, I feel if I knew why, and watched porn myself this wouldn’t be such an issue.
So Dan… help me. I know this is a lot, but I’m desperate for help.
Unhappily Tormented Asks Hopefully
Hormonal forms of birth control—like the pill—can indeed suppress and/or warp women's libidos. Take it away, Jezebel...
Researchers at the University of Heidelberg in Germany studied 1,086 women, and found that those taking hormonal contraceptives were at higher risk of sexual dysfunction than those using non-hormonal or no birth control.... But doctors—and the cheery ads for "period control" on television—often fail to discuss this problem. While the Pill was apparently revolutionary for including printed inserts that explained side effects directly to patients, these inserts don't always mention sexual issues. Perhaps this is because they haven't received as much studies as other, more life-threatening problems. But while it's obviously important to protect women from blood clots and cancers, it would also be nice if a drug that enabled women to have sex without pregnancy didn't also kill their desire to do so.
So, yeah, going off the pill could kick your libido into gear—that's not just a good hunch, UTAH, that's a solid plan with some actual science to back it up. I would recommend talking it over with your doctor first, particularly if you're on meds for depression or anxiety, and taking your doctor's advice about whether you should phase out your hormonal birth control gradually or if you can stop cold turkey.
If your boyfriend knows how to use condoms correctly, they're an effective birth control option, UTAH, but keep a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet in case one leaks or breaks. There are also non-hormonal birth control options—read about copper IUDs here—that are more effective than condoms when it comes to preventing unwanted pregnancies. (IUDs, like the pill, don't provide protection from sexually transmitted infections—but you knew that, right?)
If your libido kicks into gear after going off the pill, UTAH, you might find yourself feeling sexually attracted to guys who aren't your boyfriend. Hopefully you won't feel any less attracted to your boyfriend—fingers crossed—and once you know it's possible to find others attractive without any loss of feeling for your partner, UTAH, you may feel less threatened/angered/unhinged by your boyfriend's normal and natural attraction to other women and his occasional use of porn. And he's likelier to share the porn he watches with you once you're no longer having melt downs about it.
Hell, UTAH, once your libido kicks into gear, you may finally discover the particular kind of porn or erotica that works for you—and vibrators might start working for you too.
But don't pressure to start having orgasms immediately after going off the pill, UTAH, and don't view yourself as broken if it takes some time to get there. Lots of women come into coming a little and sometimes lot later in life than dudes do, thanks primarily (IMHO) to the massive zap the culture places on women's heads. Boys are encouraged to beat off, and the culture normalizes masturbation for males, while girls are discouraged from seeing themselves as sexual actors, from masturbating, and from taking pleasure in their own bodies with or without a partner present. It can take time, experimentation, patience, and sometimes a little pot to un-zap yourself, to undo the damage, unearth your desires, and find your sweet spots.
And finally...
Originally used as a reference to neighborhoods where members of a minority group reside—mostly due to social, political or economic pressure—the term "ghetto" has since become a racist and classist pejorative. In reality, only people who have lived in these areas can really say what's "ghetto" and what's not. But that's not what usually happens. Instead, "ghetto" has become an adjective used to negatively judge any number of things, from outfits to run-down facilities. In common media tropes, "ghetto" is also associated with black people and their cultural expressions, including braids, gold hoop earrings and rap music. The term has largely become synonymous with being cheap, substandard, undesirable and, yes, black.
Please don't describe porn or anything else as "ghetto." By some measures, UTAH, the state where you live has the highest porn consumption rates in the country, per capita, so it would be more accurate to describe porn as a Utah/Mormon/White thing that to suggest that porn is a "cheap, substandard, undesirable" or black thing. Zap that expression from your vocabulary.